Grace and Love

5. My Savannah-Banana is 5.

Savannah at 5 is so much different than Scarlett at 5. I know full well that children are individuals and are all different, but we are navigating mental tests and diagnoses with Scarlett, so her 5 wasn’t what most would consider “typical”, but more about my sweet Scarlett later.

My Savannah reminds me so much of myself. She feels BIG.

Recently she said to us that she feels as if no love hers, or that her daddy and I do not love her anymore. Did I mention she’s 5? These big feelings and thoughts are uncharted territory for us as parents.

As I’ve thought more about my little girl and her big feelings over the last few weeks, I’ve been reminded that we all feel or have felt this way at some point in our lives. For some that season is now, for others it comes and goes. Some of us have learned to make it past the need to be loved or needed by this world, but all of us at some time or another have experienced it.

So how do I teach my daughter that no matter how this world or anyone in it feels or thinks about her – Our God will always love her?

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. -Romans 8:38

That no matter what she does, what decisions she makes or how far she tries to run from Him – He will always pursue her, wait for her, adore her?

Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. -Psalm 139:7-8

How do we teach ourselves this?

Grace is a radical concept in a world that teaches us that we must earn our way.

For it is by God’s grace that you have been saved through faith. It is not the result of your own efforts, but God’s gift, so that no one can boast about it.
Ephesians 2:8-9

Grace was and still is hard for me to grasp at times. I was a good girl, from a good family, that went to a good church, and I had it all together – until I didn’t. How could anyone ever love the broken, messy shell of a washed up good girl like me?

God has a great sense of humor. That broken girl fell in love, got married and had two little girls of her own. What a way to teach someone about grace.

I tell my girls all the time that there is nothing that they could ever do or say that would make me love them any less. How much more so does our Heavenly Father love us?

My children did nothing to earn my love. I love them simply because they are mine. How much more does our Father love us, simply because we are His?

As I was getting Savannah ready for bed this evening she said to me again, “I feel like you and daddy don’t love me anymore.” She was in complete despair.

My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. My goodness doesn’t this precious child know that I would go the ends of the Earth for her? That I would die for her?

It hit me then, that I had been feeling the exact same BIG feelings in my own heart. I was unlovable, unworthy, not good enough. I had put goals and things and people on the throne of my heart and no matter how hard I tried, I just could not measure up. Nothing I could say or do was “good enough”. I was in complete despair.

He was reminding me through the words of my sweet, BIG feeling little girl, that I would never measure up to the world’s standards. But that He, as always, had a seat at the table ready for me. I need only pull out the chair and sit down.

Who is on the throne of your heart today? Is it our Heavenly Father, or this unattainable fleeting world?

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. Mark 12:30

Parenting is scary. We are entrusted with these tiny souls and we love them the best we can and pray we don’t mess them up. I believe it is also a tool He uses to teach us about the kind of Father He is and He is good. All the time. Always. Even we are are not, even when we mess up. Especially then, because then His grace comes pouring in and we can see Him for who He truly is. A good, good Father worthy of His rightful place on the throne of our hearts.

Father, help me today and always to show this radical grace and love to my girls until all they can see is you. Becuase ultimately our goal as parents is not to raise “good children”, but lovers of Christ. Amen

 

Until next time,

J

 

 

 

Grief and Hope

Grief. The word itself is ugly. It leaves an ugly black hole in the pit of my stomach. 

Grief comes from the Old French, grever, which means “to burden”.  It feels like a burden too, something we carry around on our backs like a heavy load. 

Some would think that grief gets easier with time, but really it only changes. 

My shock has worn down as the years have passed, but my grief is still as heavy and present as ever, and each passing year I forget more and more of the details. Like the sound of his laugh. Oh, how I wish I could remember what it sounded like. So, that grief, the initial shock of his death, morphs into grief for the loss of the details. I fear that eventually I’ll even forget his big bear hugs. 

I’ve written a lot about suicide since Will died, but it still needs to be talked about. Mental illness, depression, anxiety; these are all very real things. Until we, as a society, can get over the stigma attached to these things, then more families will continue to lose loved ones. And not just to suicide, but to things like addiction as well. 

I will live with my grief, carry that “burden”, and cling to the memories I have left until they, too, fade away. 

But there is hope as well. Hope that one day I may see him again. Hope, that by talking about these things another family may be spared the grief and heartache that we have experienced not once, but twice. 

Hope that someone may see this and know that they are loved and cared for and suicide is not the answer. 

And also hope in the Lord, for we do not have to carry this burden alone. 

Don’t wait to talk to your loved ones, don’t wait to talk to that kid at school that everyone makes fun of or the guy at work that keeps to himself. Your call, your smile or your hello could mean the difference between life and death. 

If you are the one suffering, please know that there is hope. You are not alone. 

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28-29

J❤️

Already Enough

This is me. The real me. No makeup, filters or flattering photo angles. Hot and sweaty from watching my girls at cheer practice, before which I backed into my husband’s car (for real y’all). 

Tired, oh so tired. 

I am a daughter of the one true King, beloved and treasured, but I have a hard time remembering that. Remembering that my joy lies in Him and Him alone. 

I post this so you know that we don’t have it all together. I yell at my kids sometimes, and they are not always perfect angels. (The 4yo only made it half way through cheer before she had a meltdown). My house isn’t clean, I don’t cook gourmet meals, my kids are lucky if they have PB&J sometimes. 

Don’t compare yourself to what you see on social media. We all have stuff, no one is perfect. That photo I posted of my two sweet girls holding hands and smiling? It took 20 shots, lots of tears, and most likely a fist fight between the two to get. 

What you have is what you have, and what you have is already perfect because it’s yours. Live for the moment, because they go so fast. Put down the phone and spend time with your kids. I promise you will learn things about them you never knew. 

And LOVE yourself. The self you have now, not the self you want to be or think you should be. If you don’t love yourself now, you won’t love yourself when you get there either. 

You are beautiful, loved, treasured, important, intelligent, amazing. You truly are. 
“So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Cor 4:18

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I post this for and to myself. I need to put down the phone and stop comparing myself to other people, AND I am just as bad as the next person about only posting the good and “perfect”. I would hate to know that someone would see something I’ve posted and think less of what they have, when really they are only seeing half truths. I’m not trying to be preachy, I’m only calling it as I see it in my own life and mind. 

And again, you are already enough. YOU, reading this right now. You are loved, cared for, intelligent, strong, important, amazing. 

Don’t ever forget it. 

Until next time, 

J 

Daughter

Oh daughter, sweet daughter that I have made, the one that I adore. I know your heart hurts, I know you are tired and weary. I know that you get angry in the waiting and wanting. That you wonder why I don’t just take these things from you like you know I can.

But daughter, you are not of this world. This instant gratification “privileged” world. I never promised that their wouldn’t be suffering, only that I would be there with you. I don’t take these things from you because I want you to see Me in them. I want you to look for Me in the heartache, to lean on and rest in Me when you are tired, and to let Me wipe away your tears. You know I love you, right? You know I have every tear you have ever cried, and I have always been there even when you couldn’t feel Me.

But with these things I also give you a promise of Joy. A promise of everlasting life in Me. A promise that, one day, the veil will drop and you will see this world as I see it, and you will see yourself as I see you. Beautiful.

So, beautiful one, do not give up on Me. Lean in, and listen. I am here always.

What are you afraid of?

Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged! for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.                                                                                                                         –Joshua 1:9

Why are you afraid, oh child? Why do you think you can not do this task I have called you for?

I am with you always.

I am the guide that holds your hand as you cross the foggy mountain pass.

I am the strength in your legs.

Yes, you may not be able to complete this task yourself, but with Me you can do anything.

Lean on Me, rely on Me.

This is what I want you to do.

Gratitude, gratitude

40 Days of Gratitude…

Day 2 – For a husband that loves me in spite of myself.

Day 3 – For full bellies and dessert before dinner. 🙂

Day 4 – For stupid TV shows that make Adam laugh. It’s one of the best sounds in the world.

Day 5 – For lazy dogs and sunshiny days.

Playing a little catch up today. See you Monday. 🙂

Until next time,

J

40 Days of Gratitude

So for Lent, along with abstaining from a few things, I am participating in 40 Days of Gratitude with Glennon over at Momastery. A thankful heart breeds gratitude, so for the next 40 days I am keeping a journal and every night I am going to write down three things I am thankful for. Glennon is going to daily share one from her list and I thought I would do the same here.

So, 40 Days of Gratitude – Day 1

I am thankful for a messy house, because it means that I share that messy house with people that I love. I care more about spending my precious time with those people than scrubbing my baseboards. One day I will have a spotless house, for now I have babies and I will hold them.

What about you? What are you grateful for today?

Until next time,

J

Not good enough

I haven’t even pulled up WordPress in almost a month. I haven’t wanted to write. I know leaving off with a sad post isn’t ideal, but I just couldn’t deal.

Death is just a horrible thing, but suicide just leaves you in a whole different place.

A lot has happened since that last post. A lot of good things, some bad. Mostly life has gone on.

I’ve been sitting here in my living room with my heads phones on listening to “Oceans” by Hillsong United on repeat for the last hour. I had never heard it before. I don’t know how I’ve gone with never hearing it. Naturally the first thing I did was buy the accompaniment for it so I can sing it in church. But really it got me thinking, of which I’ve done a lot lately. (A lot seem to be the words of the day).

I’ve always had a guilt about not being a better servant, not praying enough, not doing enough. Whatever that means.

In “Oceans” is says:

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”

I realized instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, instead of feeling not good enough (which God’s grace wipes away anyway, but that’s a whole different post), I should be listening to Him. Listening for Him. He has a path for me, if only I would stop and listen. Call upon Him and let Him lead me. I realized I had been trying too hard to “be good”, and of course when I failed at that (which I do daily) it just made me more down on myself, and less likely to go to Him in prayer for fear of “punishment”. I know that sounds odd, but that was my childhood, so naturally I feel that way with this Father.

So my prayer for the next few weeks is that I learn to stop and listen, to slow down and hear Him in my everyday. To let Him lead me “where my trust is without borders”, because who can we trust if not the Father? To trust that He has a path for me. To give thanks for all that I have, and even for the things that I don’t. To go to Him in prayer even when I don’t feel like it…especially then.

I have to be strong for these two beauties.

Photo by Tracy McDaniel Photography

For who will lead them to the feet of Christ, if not their father and I? It’s our job to nurture them, to lead and teach them.

Until next time,

J

Left Behind

This girl.

She looks so much like a man she will never meet.

The other acts so much like that part of me that’s made up of the same stuff that he was made of.

I still remember the moment that suicide directly affected me. It’s something you always hear about, it’s always there in the background but never had it really hit home.

I was 8 months pregnant with Scarlett, sitting in the floor of her not yet put together nursery trying to assemble a night stand. My dad called and asked if I was sitting down. Will had died. He killed himself. That was September 9, 2010.

Fast forward three years. In bed 6:30 am, Adam rushes in, you need to see this. Scott is gone. Will’s little brother, Brad’s twin. He killed himself.

I will never pretend to understand what would bring a person to that point. I’ve battled depression since my teens, I’ve been in low places. I’ve had the, “the world would be better off without me”, thoughts. I was a cutter. But I’ve never been to THAT place. The one of no return.

What could we have done? What could I have done?

What can we do?

I did something drastic the day before our second funeral, the one where we buried one more son, brother, nephew, father, cousin, friend. I went into the tattoo parlor and marked a part of me that I will always see. 1mt 1mt, One more thing, One more time.** I will never give up. It’s a reminder to do one more thing than you want to do, one more time than you want to do it. Pick up your pieces and keep moving. I had their birth dates put underneath to keep them near me always, and to remind me to keep going when they thought they could not.

November 23rd is International Survivors of Suicide day. It’s about recognizing the people that are left behind, left to wade through the pieces and pick up where someone they loved could not.

photo credit: afsp.org

Please consider donating to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. This is a very real and tragic thing, and it could be prevented. If you know someone who you think is struggling please reach out to them, if you don’t know how, then tell someone else that might could help. 50% to 75% of people who attempt suicide tell someone about their intentions.* Visit the AFSP’s site for more resources and info about suicide prevention.

Please, please take the time to reach out to someone you love today. You never know what internal battles they may be fighting. You never know when one conversation may save someone’s life.

Until next time,

J♥

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Note: I was not contacted or asked to write this post by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. All opinions and statements are my own. This is a subject and organization that is close my heart, I just hope to spare another family the grief we have experienced.

*Resource: afsp.org

** 1mt 1mt is credited to Josh Sundquist. He is a paraylmpic ski racer and an awesome motivational speaker. Check him out when you get a chance. 

Around here…

Been busy and chaotic and tragic around here lately. We lost another young family member this week and I missed wordless Wednesday.

What’s been going on around here:

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It’s been cold and we’ve had lots of snuggles. I don’t ever want to drop the girls off at school but that morning was extra hard. Adam loves his girls.

Suicide sucks. I don’t ever think I’ll understand what would drive somebody to that. I know that our family is in shock and pain to be going through this again just three short years later.

Hug your babies. Remember that God is good. All the time. Always.