Not good enough

I haven’t even pulled up WordPress in almost a month. I haven’t wanted to write. I know leaving off with a sad post isn’t ideal, but I just couldn’t deal.

Death is just a horrible thing, but suicide just leaves you in a whole different place.

A lot has happened since that last post. A lot of good things, some bad. Mostly life has gone on.

I’ve been sitting here in my living room with my heads phones on listening to “Oceans” by Hillsong United on repeat for the last hour. I had never heard it before. I don’t know how I’ve gone with never hearing it. Naturally the first thing I did was buy the accompaniment for it so I can sing it in church. But really it got me thinking, of which I’ve done a lot lately. (A lot seem to be the words of the day).

I’ve always had a guilt about not being a better servant, not praying enough, not doing enough. Whatever that means.

In “Oceans” is says:

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”

I realized instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, instead of feeling not good enough (which God’s grace wipes away anyway, but that’s a whole different post), I should be listening to Him. Listening for Him. He has a path for me, if only I would stop and listen. Call upon Him and let Him lead me. I realized I had been trying too hard to “be good”, and of course when I failed at that (which I do daily) it just made me more down on myself, and less likely to go to Him in prayer for fear of “punishment”. I know that sounds odd, but that was my childhood, so naturally I feel that way with this Father.

So my prayer for the next few weeks is that I learn to stop and listen, to slow down and hear Him in my everyday. To let Him lead me “where my trust is without borders”, because who can we trust if not the Father? To trust that He has a path for me. To give thanks for all that I have, and even for the things that I don’t. To go to Him in prayer even when I don’t feel like it…especially then.

I have to be strong for these two beauties.

For who will lead them to the feet of Christ, if not their father and I? It’s our job to nurture them, to lead and teach them.

Until next time,

J

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