Guilty

So I don’t typically like to post downer posts. I wanted this to be an uplifting blog about watching my children grow. But, I think I’m depressed.

I feel guilty about feeling this way. I have so much to be happy about, but still it seems like at the end of the day I’m so incredibly tired. I’m down in a hole in the dark with no light to find my way out. I’m short with my toddler when I know I should be enjoying what time I get to spend with her. Instead of embracing her idiosyncrasies I find them incredibly annoying. Again, this makes me feel so guilty. I realized that I have a 10 month old, a 10 month old (!), and that soon my baby will no longer be a baby. I think to myself, where have the last 10 months gone, and why have I not tried to enjoy every single second of them.

I often fantasize about how much better off my family would be without me. I know this is untrue and selfish of me, and again…I feel guilty.

I cringe at the thought of getting off of work and going home to do the same mundane tasks that I do everyday. Make sure the kids a clean, feed them, get on to the toddler about something, gripe about how dirty my house is, put the kids to bed, pick up the computer and….not write. Every. single. day. I set my alarm for an ungodly time the next morning to get up and exercise, since I’ve decided that this is the only time I have to do it. 5:45 rolls around and I turn the clock off and roll over. Every single morning. Then gripe about how lazy and overweight I am. I feel guilty.

But I have so much to be happy for, a wonderful husband, my girls, a loving and supportive family, and great job, the list goes on and on. I ask myself constantly, why can’t you just be happy?

I’m working on getting help, and I’m working on myself. Mostly I’m finally writing again, and it feels good.

Please mommas, wonderful loving mothers that feel alone and guilty, please know that you are not alone. I’m right there with you, and we will dig ourselves out. We will find the light and hold on to it with all our might. It won’t be easy, but nothing good worth doing, worth living for, ever is.

Until next time,

Jess