Guilty

So I don’t typically like to post downer posts. I wanted this to be an uplifting blog about watching my children grow. But, I think I’m depressed.

I feel guilty about feeling this way. I have so much to be happy about, but still it seems like at the end of the day I’m so incredibly tired. I’m down in a hole in the dark with no light to find my way out. I’m short with my toddler when I know I should be enjoying what time I get to spend with her. Instead of embracing her idiosyncrasies I find them incredibly annoying. Again, this makes me feel so guilty. I realized that I have a 10 month old, a 10 month old (!), and that soon my baby will no longer be a baby. I think to myself, where have the last 10 months gone, and why have I not tried to enjoy every single second of them.

I often fantasize about how much better off my family would be without me. I know this is untrue and selfish of me, and again…I feel guilty.

I cringe at the thought of getting off of work and going home to do the same mundane tasks that I do everyday. Make sure the kids a clean, feed them, get on to the toddler about something, gripe about how dirty my house is, put the kids to bed, pick up the computer and….not write. Every. single. day. I set my alarm for an ungodly time the next morning to get up and exercise, since I’ve decided that this is the only time I have to do it. 5:45 rolls around and I turn the clock off and roll over. Every single morning. Then gripe about how lazy and overweight I am. I feel guilty.

But I have so much to be happy for, a wonderful husband, my girls, a loving and supportive family, and great job, the list goes on and on. I ask myself constantly, why can’t you just be happy?

I’m working on getting help, and I’m working on myself. Mostly I’m finally writing again, and it feels good.

Please mommas, wonderful loving mothers that feel alone and guilty, please know that you are not alone. I’m right there with you, and we will dig ourselves out. We will find the light and hold on to it with all our might. It won’t be easy, but nothing good worth doing, worth living for, ever is.

Until next time,

Jess

Babies don’t keep

I hate whiny posts. In fact I hate whining period (especially when it’s coming from my 2 year old). BUT I’m so tired. My husband and I work full time, and it always seems that when we get home there are a ton of things to do. Then the baby starts screaming and the toddler is crying because I didn’t fix her chocolate milk just right, or the dog looked at her, or she has just finally realized that the rock she brought in from the driveway two weeks ago is missing. Seriously.

I’m just tired, and that makes me sad. I realized that I’ve spent so much time feeling exhausted and annoyed lately that I’m missing out on my baby crawling, and all the awesome stuff that my 2 year old is learning lately. Scarlett and I actually held a conversation with each other a few days ago and it made me stop and wonder where this little person came from.

There is so much going on in the world, in our country, at work, with our families, that it’s been hard to just stop and enjoy life. To enjoy the fact that Scarlett still comes to me and asks to be held, I know that those moments will soon come to an end. To enjoy Savannah in all her chubby, yummy, sweetness. To enjoy my husband, and the amazing relationship that we share. It’s all so fleeting.

A friend shared this with me a few months ago, and it came to mind this past weekend:

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
For babies grow up, we’ve learned to our sorrow
So quiet down, cobwebs
Dust, go to sleep
I’m rocking my baby, and babies don’t keep.

~Anon

Babies don’t keep. They may be babies in our hearts forever, but physically it such a sort period of time. They grow up SO fast. By the way, NEVER say this to a parent of a newborn/infant/toddler, they will soon figure it out on their own, trust me. But for now it doesn’t help, it just makes them feel more exhausted/inadequate/angry/(insert crazy parent of a small child emotion here).

I came to a realization today that instead of feeling defeated I wanted to feel joy. I know that it’s not going to happen over night, it’s not even going to happen all the time, but I’m going to try. It’s the trying that counts. If I can say that at least ONE afternoon instead of brushing my toddler off I actually stop and listen to her and make sure that she knows how loved and important she is and I find joy in that, well then I’d say I’m doing pretty good. If I stop and play patty cake with my baby instead of rushing to finish dinner, then I am blessed, or pause to make sure that my husband knows how very much I appreciate all he does for me, then my cup is overflowing.

Find the joy, because babies don’t keep.

♥♥Jess