Guilty

So I don’t typically like to post downer posts. I wanted this to be an uplifting blog about watching my children grow. But, I think I’m depressed.

I feel guilty about feeling this way. I have so much to be happy about, but still it seems like at the end of the day I’m so incredibly tired. I’m down in a hole in the dark with no light to find my way out. I’m short with my toddler when I know I should be enjoying what time I get to spend with her. Instead of embracing her idiosyncrasies I find them incredibly annoying. Again, this makes me feel so guilty. I realized that I have a 10 month old, a 10 month old (!), and that soon my baby will no longer be a baby. I think to myself, where have the last 10 months gone, and why have I not tried to enjoy every single second of them.

I often fantasize about how much better off my family would be without me. I know this is untrue and selfish of me, and again…I feel guilty.

I cringe at the thought of getting off of work and going home to do the same mundane tasks that I do everyday. Make sure the kids a clean, feed them, get on to the toddler about something, gripe about how dirty my house is, put the kids to bed, pick up the computer and….not write. Every. single. day. I set my alarm for an ungodly time the next morning to get up and exercise, since I’ve decided that this is the only time I have to do it. 5:45 rolls around and I turn the clock off and roll over. Every single morning. Then gripe about how lazy and overweight I am. I feel guilty.

But I have so much to be happy for, a wonderful husband, my girls, a loving and supportive family, and great job, the list goes on and on. I ask myself constantly, why can’t you just be happy?

I’m working on getting help, and I’m working on myself. Mostly I’m finally writing again, and it feels good.

Please mommas, wonderful loving mothers that feel alone and guilty, please know that you are not alone. I’m right there with you, and we will dig ourselves out. We will find the light and hold on to it with all our might. It won’t be easy, but nothing good worth doing, worth living for, ever is.

Until next time,

Jess

2 thoughts on “Guilty

  1. Based on my limited experience (I have 11-month-old twins), how you are feeling is totally, totally normal. I have felt the same way on and off for months! When you wrote that you were feeling guilty that you aren’t enjoying every fleeting second with your kid, I almost shouted at the computer, “ME TOO!” It’s such a short time, and we love them so much, and when I think back on those early months when all they wanted to do was nap on my chest – and I kept putting them down to go do the dishes or run the vacuum – my heart just breaks.

    Feeling guilty for feeling guilty. Ah, parenting.

  2. Oh, Pooh. I love you so much, how do I take credit for the amazing wonderful person you have grown into, Ive been there too Pooh, Feeling Guility. But you are so amazing, the babies have to grow up, and oh what a wonderful life, to see 1st steps, to hear 1st words, their 1st day of school, their 1st date, prom, graduating and growing into the amazing wonderful girls I know they will, all because your their awesome MOM,

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